Bard of the Zero
by twogunmojo
Summary: Need a hero? Can t afford a good one? Try the Bard! Summons own helpers, comes cheap and knows how to work it. Author can t be sued for damages caused by demons, dogs, summons, or pregnant daughters


This is my first fan fic hope to have many. Let me know if I get things wrong or not. Flamers will be used to grill streaks.

_Summary: We all know the story, Zero tries and fails to summon epic creature and gets weak willed _

_teenager. They go on adventures and he gets a harem. What if she didn`t summon a teenager, what if _

_she summoned an ass, a huge ass, [hey!], fuck off. Now where was I ah here we are what If she _

_summoned a ass and this ass didn`t come alone? It`s a story of love, friendship, magic, adventure, rats _

_very lovely maidens and beer, lots of beer. Our tale begins at the end of another tale._

"_limy"_

_Ass-narrator/author_

'_sign' thoughts_

_Chapter 1_

_The Ass and the Beast _

_A man sat on chair in stone house In the middle of a flaming town. He was a roguish man in leather _

_armor with unkempt hair and a goatee. The man had had visited the town once or twice and he figured _

_no one would miss it so he came to rest at it. Screams and shouts of pain echoed in the air. The man took _

_a sip of a mug of ale. By his feet lay his loyal and trusting mutt, Barks. The man and mutt were waiting _

_for a third and final member of their party to arrive. "What in bloody hell is taking her so freaking long?" _

_the man mumbled in to his beer. The mutt just growled and chewed at a bone. Suddenly the shouts and _

_screams became louder and closer. They were getting closer and closer and the door slammed open _

_revealing two bloody and injured men. The man and mutt turned and looked before going back to their _

_respective treats. The men turned and barred the door with their backs. "Did we lose it?" the man on the _

_right asked missing half of his hair. The man on the left with burn marks on his clothes answered. " Yeah, _

_I think we did Bob." Bob looked at the man in the chair and asked "Bloody hell man! Don`t you know _

_there is she-demon in town killing and burning everything!" The man looked up and said "Yes and does it _

_look like I give a rats hair nut sack?" Bob was about ask if he was mad when a noise stopped him. _

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. A heavy loud set of footsteps echoed through the house. The two men _

_looked at one another. They slowly backed from the door and turned to stare at it. _

_... The footsteps stopped. The men prayed that the thing was _

_dead and the heroes had got it. The door was ripped from the wall and tossed at the two very unlucky _

_men. They were killed instantly. A red horned head with midnight black hair and pitch black eyes lowered _

_its self in the door way. The man and mutt looked up . The she-demon stared back. "So honey did you _

_enjoy yourself?" the man asked. The she-demon answered. " Oh my dark gods yes did I ever!" the Demon _

_smiled wide revealing sharp pointed teeth. The man smiled back at her and asked, " Ready to go now _

_then love?" "Yep!" the man and mutt stood up as one, finished their treats and walked out. "Shit, forgot _

_the lute." The man jogged back in and picked up a lute that seemed to glow with untold power. The man _

_walked out sliding the strap of the lute around his shoulders. The man crossed the lute over a sword . As _

_the man did this we get our first look at the she-demon. She stood at 8 and a half feet tall with curved _

_figure clothed by several bear pelts. Her feet were bare, more more than likely because they were large _

_ugly goat hooves, " Hey! They are not ugly!" the demon shouted at the narrator. The man looked at the _

_sky and flipped off the, fuck you too ass! Now let me explain the story. "No way in hells name will I let _

_you telk the Tale." The man so rudly shouts." No your the rude one." Quiet you…[Sign} Ok you can tell it _

_but keep it short. " yes well now long story short ," no you have to tell them everything. "Fuck them they _

_can buy the game or look it up on wiki, anyway I went on a bunch of weird payless quests and now I am _

_the __betrothed to the queen of hell." Yes well lets continue. The man and demon had been traveling the _

_country and destroying and robbing as they went. Their story in this world ends soon and in anot "wait a _

_fucking second you rat bastard! What do mean ends soon!" You know what you ass? You can find out on _

_your own. "Wait what come back here!"….."You limy ass narrator!"…. " Dear I think his is gone." The _

_man looked at the demon and signed. " Yeah, maybe without him it will not happen." Don`t count on it _

_ass. "Know what its go time you limy piss fucking cocksucker!" __**"I beg of you…" **__" What the fuck?" __**"My **_

_**servant who lives somewhere in the universe!"**__ Here it comes you gigantic ass!_ _**"Oh sacred, beautiful **_

_**and strong familiar spirit!" **__"WHAT IS HAPPENING!"__** "I desire and here I plead from my heart!" **__A giant _

_green and bright glowing portal opened under them. The three, a Bard a Queen Demon and a unlucky _

_mutt, fell though the opening in space and time. And with one final beg __**"Answer to my guidance!". **__The _

_portal closed sealing the fate of three. Hope the ass has fun! Ha ha hah hah! ah? What do you mean I _

_have to go with them? It's on the contract? Let me see that!... Fucking bloody hell with the queen _

_riding a donkey! Oh I hope they know how to make a good cup of tea._


End file.
